11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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