He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
