She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
