My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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