Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
