3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize