I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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