Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's great music for shaving your balls
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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