i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
