I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
