8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
