There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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