when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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