dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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