I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
