During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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