I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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