Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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