When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
