I CAN MOONWALK!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
