The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
