You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
