idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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