I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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