Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
