went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My ATM looks so different sober.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
