I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
