for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
