we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
