He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
