Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
