WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
