Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
