please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We're too hungover to prance.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
