I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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