When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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