Soap is not a condiment
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She announced her abortion via fbk
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
