I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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