was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
