woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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