you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
