K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
