I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
