I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize