if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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