I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
