The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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