Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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