I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
