Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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