tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Randomize
