I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You ruined the universe
Randomize
