Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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