in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
