i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
