dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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