Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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