He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
